Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
