so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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