I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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