Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
