i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
