i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
