my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
