fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
