just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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