The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
