We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The uberlube is also flammable
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this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize