I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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