Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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