Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
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I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
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So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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