the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
