no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
