His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
