Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
