textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
