youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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