I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
