Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
