Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.