I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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