She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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