I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
