dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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