I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
