Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
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