It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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