I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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