So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
