Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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