You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
