what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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