no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
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It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
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You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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