My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
