To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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