I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
