I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
