we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
