I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
