I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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