this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
