if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
