I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
