...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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