Tell her she can't have a vagina
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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