I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
