So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
