Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
