i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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