just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
