Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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