I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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