I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
